Friday, May 02, 2008


You only have to be rude to someone once.

I'm not usually a very rude person, but there's one thing I do that is pretty rude that not even I really understand. I get into these moods where I'm more terrified of boys than usual... I don't even realize they're happening until I see a boy I know, or one that I don't know. It has to be a brief encounter... say I'm walking past him on my way to class, or he sits a few chairs down from me in a computer lab. He doesn't say anything to me. This is cool, and most days (and always with girls for some reason...) I would just speak up and say hello... but on these days, I pretend not to see them, even if they walk past me and look over. I keep focused on what I'm doing, and I pretend they don't exist... It's not cause I don't like them (because its usually quite the opposite) and It's not cause I don't want to even... It's like my body refuses.

I sit there thinking, "Hey, I should say 'hi' to "Steve," cause he's way cute and he's so nice to me." But this other part of me is just terrified out of it's mind for some reason, and nothing comes out. I even walk away, pretending that he's just another stranger. It breaks my heart everytime... but it's me doing it! I just... I freeze up or something. Especially if he's a boy I used to really like and don't anymore. I don't know why that makes it worse. It's like I'm afraid he'll know... Like that even matters anymore?!

Then one day, I see him again, and I smile and start to speak, but he looks away. The rudeness has already taken it's effect. He doesn't think I WANT to talk to him. Some boys are more resilient than others... thank goodness. But, yeah... it happens all the time. I can think of three boys that this has occured with... no... four. If they ever see me again... I sure hope I'm braver.

I'm really gaining huge strides in my ability to speak to boys... It's so disgusting how I'm absolutely useless in this area of my life.

I plan to do something about it... and maybe even reconcile myself in a few people's eyes. I did it once today. :D I could tell that my friendliness surprised him... it was funny...

Also... I'm going to Disneyland next week.

Heck yes, I'm excited. :D


Rebecca and Bradley said...

Wow, you are so much like me, Amy. I totally understand how you feel.

Don't fret too much about your boy "rudeness," because it might make you overly self-conscious. Just smile and act natural. On days when you feel anti-social just smile to yourself, because a smile tends to send the message that you are happy and receptive. He may think that you are smiling at him, anyway, even if you are not looking at him.

But don't worry about it too much. From my own personal experience with guys, I can almost guarantee that most guys are not going to think you are being rude or angry when you avoid eye-contact or don't say hi.

Hope you had fun at Disneyland! :)